Jokes

[Investorboy]

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;


My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.



Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366



Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours



Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.



Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e . 1/3(one third)



Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)



Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir



Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days



Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.



Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days



Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!



Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!



Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!



Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.




Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR=HIGH RISK

[rohit]

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, 'Did God make me?'
'Yes,' the grandpa replied.
'Did God make you too?'
'Yes,' the grandpa said.
'Well,' the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, 'He sure is doing a better job nowadays!'


Two small boys met during their first day at school.
'My name is Billy. What's yours?' asked the first boy.
'Tommy,' replied the second.
'My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?' asked Billy.
Tommy replied, 'My Daddy's a lawyer.'
'Honest?' asked Billy.
'No, just the regular kind,' replied Tommy.


Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby-sitter when 6 year old Kyle said, 'You can't sit in Daddy's seat!'
'Daddy's not home,' the babysitter replied. 'Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss.'
Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, 'If you're the boss, you sit over there -- in Mommy's chair!'

[PolicyWala]

नाम पर मत जाइए, सर

ग्राहक चिल्लाया :' वेटर , मैंने आलू का परांठा ऑर्डर किया था , लेकिन इस परांठे में तो आलू का एक भी टुकड़ा नज़र नहीं आ रहा। '
वेटर बोला : ' नाम पर मत जाइए , सर। अगर आप कश्मीरी पुलाव मांगते, तो फिर आप कहते कि उसमें कश्मीर नज़र नहीं आता !'

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भिखारी

भिखारी : साहब 12 रुपये दे दो, कॉफी पीनी है।
आदमी : लेकिन कॉफी तो 6 रुपये की है?
भिखारी : साहब गर्लफ्रेंड भी तो है।
आदमी : भिखारी होकर भी गर्लफ्रेंड बना ली।
भिखारी : नहीं साहब, गर्लफ्रेंड ने भिखारी बना दिया!

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डॉक्टर-नर्स

हूं मैं डॉक्टर जहां,
मेरी वाइफ है नर्स वहां,
ये कैसा जुल्म सहना पड़ा,
अपनी वाइफ को भी मुझे सिस्टर कहना पड़ा.

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50 पैसे में खाना!

भिखारी (कंजूस से)- 50 पैसे दे दो भैया, मैंने तीन दिन से खाना नहीं खाया है।
कंजूस (भिखारी से)- 10 रुपये दूंगा, पहले ये तो बता 50 पैसे में खाना कहां मिलता है।

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माचिस की तीली
एक आदमी तीली जला रहा होता है, पहली जलाता है नहीं जलती। दूसरी जलाता है नहीं जलती। तीसरी जलाता है जल जाती है वह उसे बुझा कर कहता है कि ये काम की है रख लेता हूं।

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झूठ...

घर में प्रवेश करते ही संता ने देखा, उसके दोनों बेटे आपस में बहस कर रहे थे...
संता ने पूछा, किस बात पर बहस कर रहे हो...?
एक बेटा बोला, पापा, हमें सौ रुपये का नोट पड़ा मिला... हमने तय किया है कि जो सबसे बड़ा झूठ बोलेगा, सौ रुपये उसी के...
संता ने अफ़सोस जताते हुए कहा, तुम लोगों को शर्म आनी चाहिए... जब मैं तुम्हारी उम्र का था, तो जानता भी नहीं था कि झूठ क्या होता है...?
बेटों ने बिना कुछ बोले सौ रुपये का नोट संता को दे दिया...

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आंख शराबी की...

एक शराबी नेत्रदान करने गया...
काउन्टर पर बैठे क्लर्क ने पूछा, क्या तुम कुछ कहना चाहते हो...?
शराबी ने कहा, ये आंखें जिसे भी लगाओ, उसे बता देना, दो पैग लगाने के बाद ही खुलती हैं...

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सिर्फ एक बीड़ी!

डॉक्टर (मरीज से)- तुम कितनी बीड़ी पीते हो?
मरीज (डॉक्टर से)- जी, एक दिन में करीब 20 बीड़ी।
डॉक्टर- यदि मुझसे इलाज कराना है, तो इतनी सारी बीड़ी पीने से परहेज रखना होगा। आज से ही एक नियम बना लो कि सिर्फ भोजन के पश्चात ही एक बीड़ी पियोगे।
मरीज ने डॉक्टर की बात सुनकर इलाज कराना शुरू कर दिया। कुछ महीने के बाद मरीज का स्वास्थ्य एकदम सुधर गया।
डॉक्टर- देखा, मेरे बताए परहेज से तुम्हें कितना स्वास्थ्य लाभ हुआ।
मरीज- लेकिन डॉक्टर साहब, एक दिन में 20 बार भोजन भी कोई सरल कार्य नहीं है।

[Amit Kaushik]

Nurse : congrats sir, you are a father.

Sir : don't tell my wife, i want to surprise her!

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Shortest love story

He : Will you marry me?

She : No

And he LIVED happily ever after.


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Film Director: U have to jump into a swimming pool from 100ft

Debut hero: But i dont know swimming sir?

Film Director: dont worry there is no water...!

Debut Hero: Then ok i am ready

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Customer : Waiter, do you serve pigs?

Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

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1st person : Hey do u know that girl who is going there is deaf ....

2nd person : Oh is it ???? how do u know ????

1st person : Yesterday i went and told her : I luv u and she replied by shoe size is 7

2nd person : How sad...she looks so beautiful but she is deaf....: o: cool:

[CopyCat]

Teacher to a student: “Ess line ki english banao- Usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi gaya.”
Student - He done his work and done-dana-dan done-dana-dan.

[Sandeep]

Sardarji Awesome Joke. YOU WILL SURELY LAUGH A LOT..

A Sardarji, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which
is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they are
all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

"It's my first wife's birthday today,and she has asked me to allow
each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: *"Please tie a pillow to my back."


This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to
be carried away bleeding and crying with *pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."


But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also
led away whimpering *loudly.


The Sardar ji was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheikh turned to him and said:

"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is
one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Sardarji replied.


"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not *20, *but 100 lashes."


"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also
very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then *so be it.

"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.


Sardar ji smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!

[Hemant]

SARDARJI RETURNS

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken..
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.


At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup....

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

[Lethal]

Old Fella: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Old Fella: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.
*


Old Fella: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Old Fella: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new
*

Old Fella: Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Old Fella: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- “1 Miss Call".
*

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Old Fella: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.
*
Old Fella attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Old Fella: If U give me the address I will go there sir.
*
Old Fella in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Old Fella: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"
*

Old Fella: Doctor! My Son swallowed a key
Doctor: When?
Old Fella: 3 Months Ago
Dr: Wat were u doing till now?
Old Fella: We were using duplicate key
Dr: So why did you come today?
Old Fella: We lost the duplicate key!!

[Kill_cat]

Interviewer:
what is your birth date?
Old Fella: 13th October
Which year?
Old Fella: Oye @#$ _ _ _ EVERY YEARl


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Manager asked to Old Fella at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 15 letters in it?
Old Fella replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.


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After returning back from a foreign trip, Old Fella asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Old Fella: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?


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One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Old Fella: Any great man born in this village???
Old Fella: no sir, only small Babies!!!


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Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Old Fella writes, "Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.


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When Old Fella was travelling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror.. Old Fella shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back... I will drive.


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Interviewer: just imagine you are in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Old Fella: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!